Word of the....year: Executive Dysfunction

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 Executive Dysfunction


This is the term for when you have a task to do, and you see this need, and you may know the steps you need to take, and it's not like you don't know how- but you just. can't. start.


Once or two instances of this happening isn't necessarily going to be the worst thing, but when it keeps happening and the mental to-do starts avalanching on top of you... it becomes hard to do anything. By itself it isn't a diagnosis (according to my understanding #not a professional, just a random person), but it is a symptom that can be brought to the issues party by things like depression, anxiety, and cptsd, among a whole host of others. 

Personally, my mental critic is so harsh that I normally keep on top of school in an anxiety fueled obsessive way. However, executive dysfunction starts to show up with things like doing the dishes, household chores, feeding myself/ self care in general, actually giving myself a break from the obsessive school mindset to do things I enjoy. That's right, I have trouble initiating the start sequence for my favorite hobbies. Now, my mental critic knows exactly what to do with the first few instances. After all, I don't really like chores, and I might feel too tired to cook, but the third thing just confused it (and made me notice what I was doing). It's not like it  would take much effort, the book or game controller might be right beside me - but on weeks where it has been going on like this for days, and the mental to-do list is crushing, it just doesn't happen, no matter how much I want it to.

So today I stood up to my inner critic (because I noticed what was happening), I allowed myself to rest when I wanted and I made myself some breakfast at 12:30 in the afternoon (because that's what I wanted to eat), and I made space for prioritizing my own wants, at least for an hour or two today, instead of leaving them until dead last and forcing myself to only value things that other people need of me.


So without further ado- I hope- I intend to actually get back to writing for myself more frequently, and finally get the many drafts of posts out of my head that I have been keeping since September.

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