I'm Yelling Timber

From
Photo Credit: Harry Cunningham on Unsplash

Extracting the physical presence of your hurt is almost done. I say the presence of your hurt and not just your presence because all you have ever brought is pain in the end. You were supposed to be a parent, and the relationship that grew on that space has been twisted and painfully grotesque. Like a diseased tree that infects everything around it; your influence has cost me dearly over the years- in friends, extended family, romantic relationships, and especially my own mental health.


So it is beyond time; to yell timber and walk away.


I feel a strange mix of joy in all this grief. Because even though this means cutting off the possibility of there ever being good parts, it also means I am done. You won't have the same leverage to hurt me and wreak havoc on my world. Soon, there will be no new stuff to process, I will just be working with the residual effect of your poison, without being forced to drink more. That to me feels like a strange victory, despite many people claiming it is supposed to be only sad.


As a dear friend Mia told me recently, you're too blinded by yourself to see what you should be grieving. You prioritize material goods, pleasures, and substances that are instant gratification oriented. I used to try to love you, but years of being told and shown that material goods were worth more to you than me has taught me better. To keep trying would be to condemn myself to more years of pain and danger, when you decide that your instant gratification is worth more than my safety. So I have to love myself now, at least enough to quit this hope. 


I know the you in this instance is the written equivalent of shadowboxing. I will likely continue dealing with the part of you that manifests in my head and my memories, echoing that I will never be worthwhile. But at least I know I have stopped carrying the hope of this relationship. I don't need you, I have me now.


So...

            You know...

                                    TIMBER



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