Sticky Feelings

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Photo Credit: Ahmad Odeh from Unsplash


I have a lot of left over feelings from years ago, insecurities, sadness, anger, and feelings of loneliness that culminate in an inner child that sits in the back of my mind. Sometimes the sadness culminates in quiet tears when something gets too close to an old wound, as my inner child hides in a corner of my mind.

Sometimes the insecurities bubble up when I come across something that is hard for me to handle, especially if it is something conventionally easy, like making a phone call, talking to strangers for the sake of errands, or dealing with an insect that has wandered into the house. Inside I start feeling shaky and it's as if I am younger than the rest of the world again, struggling to do things others do without consideration. I know this aspect can instigate frustration in those around me, as I put off ordering take-out for an otherwise fun night (when it isn't online that is), angst for hours about calling to set appointments for anything, or otherwise have to conduct a non-personal call. This might be the most obnoxious sticky feeling for me, that is, some of the old feelings sticking around to add obstacles to my day.

When anger comes, it often manifests in a cold detachment, as my inner child screams and feels betrayed by an old wound that feels so fresh. And loneliness comes sometimes during a nice long introverted session or in the middle of a crowd. It doesn't care about how much immediate company there is, and is more interested in how I feel unseen and unheard, irrelevant to the world passing me by. At that point I am sorely tempted to crawl away and hide with my inner child. I am working on reaching in and being kind to myself during these moments, but when opportunities to practice come without warning like a rogue frisbee, some are bound to hit you in the face.

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